Romancing Your Body: Building a new relationship with yourself
In my years of clinical practice, I’ve witnessed dozens of young women beginning as young as 13 begin to lament about the skin they’re in. They begin to engage in an epic power struggle with their bodies, pitting themselves against their tissues, not realizing the foundation they are building now will likely create floods, cracks and structural damage in their soul’s home in the years to come.
These young women are fortunate that they are getting some guidance at a formidable age to combat these negative images and redefine their way of relating to their bodies. For others who don’t seek help early in life, I see the impact of years of countless criticisms, shame and guilt take its toll. Decades of harsh words, desperate physical measures and emotional disconnection are akin to the worst of abusive relationships. The difference in this dynamic is that there is no court that can grant you permission to separate from your self. The choices are to remain manacled to your own personal prison or find a way to make peace with your container.
I encourage my clients to consider the traits of a dysfunctional relationship. Words like mistrust, deceit, co-dependence, judgment, hatred and disrespect often come forth. I ask them to describe how a person in a relationship such as this would feel and emotions such as depressed, angry, shameful, guilty, lonely, desperate and hopeless arise. I then ask them what they would do if they found themselves in a relationship like this; some say they would leave and others say they would do their best to work it out.
They quickly see the parallels between this kind of unhealthy relationship and the one they have fostered with their bodies. It becomes evident that saying horrific words, generating negative feelings and wishing for escape is no way to relate to an entity that you have committed to “until death do you part”. As a marriage family therapist, I strive to give couples new ways of relating, communicating and attending to each other’s needs. I invite them to romance their relationship once again so that they may return to a time of excitement and bliss.
In order to do this, I take a different route than many counselors in that I don’t spend an exorbitant amount of time dissecting what is wrong in the relationship. Rather, I want to focus on what is right, fulfilling and pleasurable and encourage more of this. I am often met with some resistance, for many want to use the hour to reenact the power struggles they find themselves in outside of my office. Instead of colluding with this tendency, I ask them to shift to recounting a peaceful, close or tender time they had with one another recently. We delve into how this occurred and what contributed to the openness and vulnerability, for this is what we need to recreate.
This same shift in perspective needs to occur with your body if you want to come to relate to it in a more loving way. Ask yourself: when was the last time I felt comfortable in my body? What was I doing? What did this feel like? Get in touch with a time when you were allies with your tissues...you partnered to provide you with the life experiences you enjoy. Perhaps for some of you, this will be difficult to conjure up and you may have to return to a very early time. For others, you may not have a period in your life that you can recount and therefore, you’ll have to turn to brief moments of contentment.
Now ask yourself: what do I need to do to feel this way once again? The response most give is along the lines of the number of pounds they have to lose or the desire to change their most despised body part. This is much like the couple in my office who believes that they will be happy if and only if their partner changes. This is a very disempowering stance that leaves you depending on external circumstances beyond your locus of control for your happiness.
I invite you to do the same thing I ask of my couples…shift your perceptions and watch your physical world change. Thank those thighs for the support they give you…give appreciation to those arms for allowing you to reach out to others…have gratitude for that back that gives you structure and support. Ask yourself: What do I want to see in the mirror? How do you want to feel in my body? What kind of things would I like to do with boundless energy? How do I want people to respond to this energized, vitalized version of me? (By the way, how are you feeling now that you’ve begun to think of what you want? Chances are, excitement and bliss is bubbling…you are beginning to romance yourself once again.)
Look for opportunities to treat yourself well. Think back to the things that you have done at the beginning of a relationship to impress your suitor. Things like choosing your best outfits, making special date plans, taking extra time to attend to his/ her likes come to mind. Apply these to your new commitment to romancing your hot relationship with your body. I also urge you to be compassionate with yourself, should those old habits creep back in. Just like with my couples, I prepare them for change as quickly or as slowly as they like, but with the understanding that a slip doesn’t mean all is lost or that you have to return to a prior way of relating. Take time each day to think about how you wish to feel in your body and generate gratitude for the ways your body is supportive to you. This focus and attention to your desired relationship will tell your body that it can cooperate with you…that it is no longer at odds with you and can safely partner with you for a life of harmony together.