Please see the articles below on a range of relevant topics relevant to teenagers today.
Teen Issues
Why is Self Esteem so Important?
By: Jessica Plancich, MFT
As I go to write this, I am aware that there aren’t many aspects of life that self-esteem doesn’t impact. Defined as the value that you hold for yourself, it is carried with you throughout all your days and touches all ways of your life. It’s the level of worth that you hold for yourself, about yourself and regarding yourself. If it’s lacking (and unfortunately, most people could use a much healthier sense of themselves) or damaged in some way, it has some deeply hurtful and painful consequences.
The esteem you’re holding for and about yourself is the foundation of self confidence. You can speak the words, get the clothes, and talk the talk, but do you walk the walk? True confidence comes from a genuine sense of positive regard for yourself, which cannot be faked. We’re here to give you insight about how this is showing up in your life and what to do about it if you want to have the long lasting sense of REAL self worth that you can leverage in all areas of your life.
How’s it Impacting Your Life?
When you carry around a lousy image of yourself- (saying and believing things like how much better off you’d be if your butt was smaller or if you had more friends), it effects almost everything you do. It can impact your desire to get up in the morning, to whether you feel like trying in school to whether you decide to put drugs in your body. Starting with the image you see in the mirror to the person behind your eyes, if you don’t see value in this person, then why should other people? Instead of blaming other people for saying the kinds of nasty things you’re already telling yourself, it’s time to take some personal responsibility for changing your way of seeing and relating to yourself.
Harsh perhaps, but freeing because now you can do something about it. Instead of feeling victim to circumstances outside of you, I want to teach you that you drive this machine and can steer it any which way you choose.
How’s it Showing up in Your Life?
Once you understand that one of the biggest reasons why you’re having such a hard time doing well in school, why you can’t stand the skin you’re in or why getting along with friends and family is so hard is about self-esteem, you can do something about it.
The funny thing is, some of the teens who you may think have the best self-esteem are actually those with the lowest sense of worth you can imagine. From bullies to those who brag and show off, these are the kind that go to great lengths to convince others that they have it all together and that others should want their lives. Underneath it, however, they are terribly scared that someone will find out that they too feel lost, insecure and unsure of themselves…but instead of showing it, they do things like pick on others (to make themselves feel better) to take laxatives to lose weight (so that others will find them sexy or valuable). On the other hand, there are those that don’t even try. They don’t even bother trying out for teams, meeting new people or participating in things they’re interested in…all because they’re afraid that they’ll be rejected, aren’t good enough or someone will judge them. They’ll go through the motions, but won’t think they can actually succeed, so they’ll do things to “mess things up” (like not doing homework, not going to practice or meetings regularly or picking fights with friends) to protect themselves from possible hurt.
How do You Improve it?
First let me say that this process isn’t about artificially pumping up your ego so that this fake-confident you can puff yourself up. Far from cheerleading and playing ra-ra girl, my desire is to give you some real insight into how to improve this for good.
I’m not here to deceive or smooth talk you; building your self esteem is perhaps one of the most challenging and yet rewarding tools we could give you. Just like anything in life, the more difficult the challenge, the more joyous are the gifts are.
Please move forward to the next article on How Do I Improve my Self Esteem?
Teen Issues
How do I Improve my Self Esteem?
By: Jessica Plancich, MFT
First of all, I want to congratulate you for even going this far and recognizing that you could have better self esteem. The process to improve and have healthy self esteem for the remainder of your life is a process that you’ll have to work at forever. It’s like dishes, laundry or brushing your teeth…just because you did it once doesn’t mean that it’s gone. It’s just one of those things that needs regular maintenance, which is what you’re doing now. Below are some key ideas for you to begin to consider and embrace if you want to feel better in the skin that you’re in.
Self Esteem Is a Choice
You’re already showing that you’re willing on some level to take action toward improving your self esteem, simply because you’re reading this page. How you choose to view yourself is entirely up to you. No one can force you to see yourself in any particular way. You may have influences, history or learning experiences in your past, but it takes you to buy into these ideas. It takes 2: one person or circumstance to try to influence you AND your participation and willingness to agree with it. Otherwise, it remains a neutral event and dies there. If you don’t like your reflection, you and you alone can shift that. That’s a good thing and a challenging thing.
Challenging if you don’t yet believe that you have the ability to change it.
Good since you have the full capacity to see yourself in any way you want.
Understand this completely. If you can’t accept this as possible and truthful, then you’ll have a hard time with anything else we present. If you are having a difficult time with this notion, ask us questions and seek some support (parents, a counselor) to assist you in grasping this idea.
Take Responsibility
Hand in hand with seeing your view of yourself as a choice is taking responsibility for your actions. Assuming a victim stance is the first give away that your self esteem needs work. I love to crack at this one; people don’t stay victims long when I’m around because I quickly get them to see how they’ve created their circumstances, so they can create others. You’ll get no pity from us, but you will get support and praise for becoming accountable to and for the only one that you are responsible for….YOU.
One of the outcomes of taking responsibility is solving problems in your life. When you recognize that something is not going the way you want it to, do something about it. Instead of staying in your problems, find solutions. Ask questions and be willing to hear answers that may be difficult to hear. That means that when a teacher, friend or coach gives you feedback about your behavior, see it as a chance to improve. It’s not YOU they’re judging, it’s your BEHAVIOR that they’re talking about. Try seeing it as something outside of you so that you don’t take it so personally.
Taking action toward finding a solution will build which your confidence. When you take on a challenge and strive toward a resolution, your sense of self improves each time, regardless of the outcome. Your willingness to seek answers is the most important self esteem building component here. Despite the consequences, your motivation to quest, inquire, explore and take action is key to improving your sense of worth. No one I know feels good about sticking their heads in the sand.
Practice Gratitude
There are a few common things I see among those with a low sense of self worth…they see the world through dark and doomed lenses. They struggle to see the things in their lives that are flowing well. They have difficulty practicing gratitude for things like their health, having food to eat and family around them. They instead see the ONE aspect of their body that they don’t like, the material things they don’t have and want or the ways that their families are dysfunctional. Even if you got the things you want today, by next week, you’ll want something else, and else and else…until you spend your life chasing things and stuff, yet never satisfied and happy.
This way of doing life will leave you feeling satisfied If-and-only-if you fulfill your exact expectations of how things SHOULD be. By the way, this hardly ever happens, so it’s no wonder many spend so much time miserable. This leaves next to no wiggle room or possibility of anything else being useful or acceptable to you. This cuts off your recognition of the tons of things that are likely going your way.
Therefore, for the next week, for each time that you complain and moan about something, find something to be grateful for. For example, if your knee is in pain and you can’t use it very well, be thankful for even having a knee to use at all. There are lots of vets out there who’d love to have it.
Examine Your Expectations of Yourself
As you start to do things to improve your self esteem, I encourage you to do something different this time…be patient and kind to yourself. This is not something like taking a math test. This has no beginning or end; it’s a new way of being and a new lifestyle that you’re stepping into. This is related to the reason diets don’t work…people put a concentrated amount of effort for a specific amount of time, only to return to the unhealthy habits that broke their pant seams to begin with. Adjusting your lifestyle means practicing new ways of relating to yourself, today, tomorrow and forevermore.
Along these lines, I invite you to reconsider your expectation of perfection. Perfection is a changing set of notions that can and will mess up this process. Your version of perfect today will change a day, a month and a year from today. What are you chasing? This is a changing set of values that you think are important right now. Basing your worth off of that is like chasing your own tail. Consider giving it up watch how much happier you’ll be.
This means that there is no finish line and you’ll benefit from practicing these skills for the rest of your life. Sorry to break this to you, but this is not like a shot that you have once and forget about. This involves a shift in your perspective, including views of yourself, people and circumstances around you.