Relationships- Communication
How to benefit from your differences
By: Jessica Plancich, MFT
Most of us (masochists aside) want more pleasure and less pain in our lives. However, hardship tends to motivate much more than the possibility of joy. An excellent example of this is the fact that people come to therapy, not when things are grand, but rather when things are on the brink of collapse. Tattered, torn and hanging on by a string, couples stagger into my office to give their marriages “one last chance”. Inevitably, they recount the long months and sometimes years of arguments and difficulties they’ve experienced. One of my first tasks is to help them see what there is to gain from the pain.
A Perspective Shift is in Order
When couples argue, there is hope. When there are no more arguments, no more sex and no more tears, then there’s something to worry about. Anger is not the opposite of care. Apathy is. You see, when partners care enough to still engage with the other person about their challenges, there is something to work with. This passion (though in the form of heightened tension and volume) can be redirected and used in a constructive manner. With proper communication skills, willingness for each to take responsibility for their own issues and some patience, these disagreements can be used to progress individually and hence the relationship. When I hear crickets in the room with no engagement is when the couple’s time together may indeed be complete.
Another way to see this is that we pick up partners (in the form of friends, lovers) who reflect aspects of who we are, how we think and how we live at the time when we meet them. Like attracts like. On a very deep and subconscious level, however, your mission on this planet is to grow and evolve as a person. This is accomplished through trying, testing and challenging who you are in order to continuously press forward. Avoidance of pain, hardship and discomfort create apathy, indifference and stagnation. Therefore, you’ll always attract people who will highlight your weakness and reflect your faults to give you the opportunity to see them and progress. In partnerships, the differences that you have that can be the very lessons you are meant to teach one another. So you go along, having a mixed bag of experiences (usually good ones when you’re sharing those similarities, and tough ones when you’re slugging through differences) until the time together is complete. Sometimes that’s an entire lifetime. I can say that despite 41 years of marriage, my own parents still have a great deal to learn from one another as evidenced by how they still irritate and agitate each other. My dad is in my mom’s life to teach her compassion. My mom is in my dad’s life to teach him patience. They’re still working on these lessons daily (though when my mom is 55 minutes late for something, I hardly think my dad is “embracing” the opportunity to develop patience).
There are other times when our relationships are much shorter in lifespan and if we are deliberate and aware of what we have to gain from the differences, we can get what we’re here to gain and move on. Many couples are reluctant to face the conclusion of their union or face the fact that they are no longer growing, evolving and gaining from the relationship and instead, it’s become stagnant and stale. Holding onto something that’s concluded is a sure fire way to become despondent and lose respect for yourself for not having the chutzpah to keep moving forward in your own path.
This shift in perspective is crucial, for most of us associate arguments with incompatibility and choose to see this as an indicator that you may no longer be suited for one another. We see differences as threatening. In the beginning, relationships often flourish during the “Honeymoon Phase” when we erroneously perceive that the other person has “completed us”. The notions of romance that we are fed in the form of love songs and romance novels where we walk around incomplete until “The One” arrives, subscribes to the notion that you as an individual are lacking. It is built upon this idea that you’re walking around as some kind of half-person, who cannot possibly experience joy until you can meet and keep a partner.
Women are often more verbal and up front about this neediness and desperation, but men experience it as well, though it’s more along the lines of sowing seeds and being “a man”. The agony that we experience when we perceive ourselves as only partial and thereby damaged is traumatizing. Most relationships are born out of this sense of lack that we seek our partners (or our jobs, cars, kids or houses) to fulfill for us. As long as all of those notions are magically balanced and in place (which only usually occurs for a nano-second), we are content. The minute this homeostasis is out of whack, we feel unsteady, anxious and out of control.
Out of control you indeed are as long as you perceive that any entity outside of yourself can possibly complete you. Many of the things that you may be looking to fulfill you can and will change. The stylin’ car can get wrecked, you can argue with your partner, your kids can act out and your house can burn down. You cannot control these things. However, you do have a say as to how you perceive and respond to them. We set ourselves up for horrible suffering when we believe that we can only be happy when all of those bases are covered and the scales perfectly balanced. These expectations lead to the majority of our humanly discontent.
As long as you have holes in your heart that you don’t repair (in the form of low self-worth, judgment, loathing, criticism and past hurts) no external thing is going to fill those holes permanently. It’s like having an emotionally empty stomach…you can eat a meal and be temporarily satiated, only to digest it down and want more. You will continue to require more and more to feel full, but it only lasts a short while (think of the “keeping up with the Joneses”). The antidote to this is seeing your relationships in an entirely different way. Choose to see yourself and your wife as whole and complete. Choose to see your lives together as an opportunity to share yourself with her and she with you, to bring a full spectrum of experiences to each other’s lives.
But She/ He’s Not the Person I Met…
We oftentimes want to blame the other person for changing; that she is no longer presenting herself as the woman you married or that he is unfairly changing what he wants from you or the marriage. We blame each other for failing to meet the other’s needs. I have a news flash for you: Your husband is not here to meet your needs. Yep, I said it. Just like he’s you’re not here to meet his. You are each on this earth as your own separate beings, who’ve decided to share a portion of your life’s experience together; to learn from one another, to contribute to the other and to grow as individuals who’ve chosen a long term relationship as a vehicle for that growth. He did not enter this lifetime with the sole purpose to meet your needs, sexually, emotionally, intellectually or physically. Though he may do this during your time together, he cannot possibly meet all of these needs of yours now and forevermore. To expect any one person to fulfill this is to set yourself up for tremendous disappointment and pain. He is not here to be of servitude to you or to be a carbon copy of you (as you are not here to be a reflection of her). Try as you may to get him to comply and agree with your notions, desires, ideas and needs, he is his own person and those differences can enrich your life.
Believe me, I know this is a radical concept and one that most people have never considered. Most people don’t want to entertain this notion because it bursts the bubble of fantasy love that is crammed down our throats at every turn. The irony is that we needlessly suffer when we don’t have or sustain this ideal. The attachment to the fantasy now becomes a living hell. I’m here to offer an entirely different way of doing things that could very well save your marriage. When you can wrap your head around this idea and begin to view your relationship in a different way, it alleviates the pain we experience when differences arise.
I can hear the voices in your head asking, that’s all well and good, but how the hell do we manage our everyday disagreements? How do we settle the daily discrepancies that cause us to argue?
Really, there’s no such thing as ultimate “right”. Rightness is a function of your conditioning, morals, values and beliefs and it is ok to have that perspective. It’s when you think that this is the only viable perspective is when you get in a bind. You walk away from an argument with your version and she with hers. Who’s the holder of the truth? You both are. You each have your unique experiences of the situation. Insisting that your right is the only right is simply arrogant and short sided. Be willing to validate one another’s perspective. This isn’t to be confused with agreeing. Validation means that you hear what she/he has to say and though you don’t see it in the same way; that the other view is perfectly ok. By the way, we women tend to repeat ourselves because we don’t think that our man is seeking to understand our perspective, but rather wants to be “right”. Translation: if you don’t want to hear us say it again, validate, validate and validate some more.
This may be a frightening concept to many of you (I know it still is to me at times). This means that you may not get your “way” some of the time, but ry to see the value in doing something differently. There may be an idea, concept or solution that you may not even be considering at the moment. However, if you step away from your kung fu grip on having to have it be your way, you may find something even better
Again, we are conditioned to perceive change as very, very bad (and super scary). Though we know cognitively that really nothing stays the same, we still try to limit the number of changes in our lives, thinking that if things stay the same, we’ll be better off. Men get off on newness. Novelty is like crack cocaine. There is a biological reason for this: men’s brains generate powerful dopamine (a chemical that makes you feel alive and vital) when you have new things in your life. Knowing this, men can use differences and changes as the very thing that will keep their brains awake and life exciting. Sameness is comfortable and familiar, but do we really want the very same experience every time? Predictability causes the brain to shrink and your libido to shrivel. Women are typically much more comfortable with change (our emotions are proof positive of this) and our adaptation comes in the form of becoming less attached to the ideas we’ve had about how life was “supposed” to be and look like. With time and a perspective shift, women can come to see the gifts involved in getting something different.
I know I threw a lot at you and trust me, I have tremendous appreciation for those of you who have opted to walk this path. I applaud you for even considering some of these concepts, for most people don’t want to face these ideas and I’m convinced that it’s a large reason why most people suffer so much in relationships.
Relationships-Communication
How to Fight Fairly
By: Jessica Plancich, MFT
Resolving our differences in a respectful and effective way is something that people across our entire planet have struggled with since the dawn of time. Strategies ranging from non-violent resistance to nuclear warfare have been used for people to express their dislike for something and to get more of what they want. Since carpet bombing your relationship is no way to promote the kind of respect, safety and unity that will encourage your partner to want to remain in your bed, we favor the intervention of a more peaceful kind. I’m here to give you some insight on how to fairly acknowledge your discontent and move forward and get to the fun stuff again.
First of all, allow me to say that disagreements are not something that that are altogether bad. People typically want to put conflict into the “all bad” category and that’s because by and large, people deal with disagreements in such a harmful and ineffective way. Emotions run high when we don’t get what we want and though you may not tantrum on the floor with kicking fists, you very well may throw your own kind of outburst of the adult kind (does the silent treatment, yelling matches and name calling ring any bells?). Overall, these emotion-laden responses are based upon our unresolved hurts from the past that are now being triggered by some current action. Staying in the emotion means that you’ll be saying things and behaving in ways that are an extension of the sadness, pain or fear that you’re experiencing. This is far from rational and logical and this is where it gets super messy.
I invite you to think of your differences in a new way…they can actually assist you both to understand one another and to learn some new tricks. Think about this; life of sameness may be predictable, but it would be terribly boring. You see, we often give an automatic wrong, bad, negative, immature, selfish, etc. judgment when people don’t agree with our ideas or go along with our desires. This is so automatic that it’s like a reflex where your knee jerks up in response to the whack it just encountered. When we can instead shift the perception of differences as different, but not wrong, we can begin by not seeing differences as threatening or “less than”, just simply different. Remember, you and your significant other are on the same team; she/ he is not the enemy or the challenger that you need to defeat. Keep this in mind as you think about positioning yourself in the opposite corner.
For the most part, women do not like to be in conflict and prefer unity and connectivity. When we perceive that there is dissention, we wig out and typically want to smooth things over (or, she’ll unconsciously test the man’s reaction to see if he’s capable of keeping his cool). When men get loud, boisterous and domineering, we don’t feel safe and will either bite back to defend ourselves or shut down entirely for protection. I associate with the former much more than the latter, and I will use verbal judo if I feel that I’m threatened. Either way, this is no way to seek resolve; one party always feels defeated and when the other triumphs, the victory is short sided and doesn’t help establish emotional safety (one of the keys to her feeling safe and wanting to give to you and the relationship).
Then there are those who get off on having conflict. Ah, the chaos of Drama Queens (and Kings). Those who look for opportunities to collide, fight to be right and create quarrels have experienced conditioning earlier in life that lays this foundation. There are many possibilities as to why your partner may respond this way, some include: abusive circumstances, where she/he may have come to associate conflict with love. Another possibility is that your beloved endured painful situations where his/her self-esteem may have become damaged such that she/he now sabotages and undermines loving opportunities, feeling undeserving of this kind of care. This may also manifest as the need to be right to compensate for being made “wrong” or “less than” at some point. Of course, there are endless other reasons why this may be the case, but simply stated, there is most always some previous conditioning that continues to impact them today. Somewhere along the lines, they were made to feel unsafe and your relationship is the arena where it is playing itself out now. Understanding the basis of this response can hopefully help you develop some compassion and then help you generate the patience it will take for your partner to feel safe here and now. Once again, this is the gift that the relationship can offer- a steady, steadfast and sturdy shoulder.
Here are some practical steps to keeping your cool when differences come up and the heat starts to rise:
If the two of you have become particularly skilled at arguing, this will take some consistent effort. I urge you to do some prep work and talk openly about your desire to fight fairly when you’re both calm and in an open state. When you can see that all of your exchanges have the opportunity to bring you closer and you can begin using more effective strategies, you won’t have to have a doomsday response each time you’re in conflict with one another. The fact that the two of you care enough to still duke it out says that there’s passion still between you and that’s a good thing. It’s time to channel it towards productive resolution so that you can continue to grow together and get to the fun part of making up…
Married- Communication
Assertiveness: The Antidote to Passivity and Aggression
By: Jessica
Assertiveness is by far, the most effective, yet the most misunderstood style of communication. Most conjure up the notion of being pushy, in your face and overly intrusive. This notion is more like the definition of aggression. Quite the contrary, my definition of assertiveness is direct and respectful communication of your thoughts and feelings. Knowing how to do this is something that usually only comes with either sales training or counseling. Thankfully for you, you don’t have to endure either to get the benefit of knowing how using assertiveness skills can benefit you in the relationship realm.
Let’s start with the definition of the polarities. Aggressive people communicate through pushing their thoughts and feelings onto others through violating others’ rights. They see things in a black and white way and when others don’t agree with their stance, they quickly become agitated and irritable. This can come in the form of: reactive, edgy responses, loud voice tone or volume, verbal threats or assaults, offensive or taunting language, physical threats, posturing or assaults. People who communicate in this way (more typically men than women) are usually unable to sustain relationships, as their tempers and unstable display of emotions make them a threatening character that most want to avoid. They are short-fused, edgy people who make others feel unsafe and anxious in their presence. Ironically, this tendency is seen in those who have had a history of feeling insecure and unsafe themselves. Bullying is a way to compensate for a time when they felt small, unheard or mistreated. It essentially functions as protective armor to ensure that they aren’t hurt again, but in doing so, they not only keep all the bad, but all the good out too. There are times that showing aggression may be appropriate. When someone you care about is getting hurt, doing your best to protect them and fend others off is situationally appropriate. However, if aggression becomes your default mode each time one of your opinions is challenged, you’re going to have a whole different set of difficulties to deal with.
How This Shows Up In Marriages/ Committed Relationships:
Now onto passivity. Synonymous with meek, meager and weak, this communication style forgoes the expression of thoughts and feelings for fear of how others may react and the consequences it may bring. They clam up and keep their opinions inside, which safeguard them from judgment and criticism. However, it also keeps them from truly allowing themselves to openly declare their true needs and desires. If this continues for long, many will eventually explode and then demonstrate extreme aggression. Passives typically learned somewhere long ago that it wasn’t safe to openly express themselves. Perhaps they would be punished for speaking their opinions or they were overshadowed and forgotten during their early years. Forgoing sincere thoughts and feelings can also lead to a sense of feeling identity-less and unable to site what you truly think or believe in. Many become followers in a group, hoping for acceptance and belonging, only to find out that they have distanced themselves from their own opinions and beliefs. There are times that being passive may actually be the best protocol. Listening, not taking any action for the moment and withholding your nasty comments may be in order in a given situation. I’m talking about passivity as an overall dominant style of communication and how this can be a less than effective method of expression.
How This Shows Up In Marriages/ Committed Relationships:
Then there’s passive-aggression; the backdoor, indirect method of communication that leaves everyone all backwards. This often comes in the form of vengeful, spiteful ways that create misguided perceptions and incorrect assertions. Similar to passives, passive-aggressives learned that it wasn’t safe to openly express and they found some creative ways to communicate their frustration and angst. From rolling the eyes or keying a car, this style of communicator thinks that he is giving a loud and clear message about what he’s upset about. The unlucky recipient (if she even knows who did the damage) is left attempting to decode what the behavior is all about and is oftentimes wrong. Unlike aggression and passivity, there is no appropriate time to be passive-aggressive. People who communicate in this way are often seen as shiesty and shifty, as you never know what they’re really thinking or feeling.
How This Shows Up In Marriages/ Committed Relationships:
Assertiveness is the open way to directly and respectfully let your thoughts and feelings be known. It means taking responsibility for yourself and your behavior, free of blame (aggression) or shame (passive). The goal of assertiveness is not to control, change or manipulate the other person’s behavior. It is a style that gives others the chance to know how you’re truly thinking or feeling, which can lead to some real solutions and real conversation about what’s really going on. It may not lead the other person to acquiescing to your opinion or changing their stance. However, it gives you both the chance to be real and perhaps agree to disagree…either way, you know you’ve been honest and this is liberating. This style of communication is full of integrity and class; you’re letting your inner experience be outwardly expressed. Women are asking for you to show up with this kind of internal steadiness. They will test you to see what you’re really made of, in order to establish safety for themselves and permission to truly relax into your arms.
Now, let me translate how to use this in your relationship.
This allows you to make an honest statement about your experience without name calling, blaming or judging.
I feel _______(insert feeling word) when you ________(insert factual statement)
Example: I feel smothered when you call me several times in a day.
NOT: I feel like your clingy when you blow up my phone all day long.
In the first example, you’re talking about yourself and make a factual, evidence based statement about the behavior. In the second, you’re not actually owning anything, you’re simply putting a value judgment on your interpretation of the behavior. This sill guarantee defensiveness that won’t get you anywhere. Your feelings are your own and are neither right nor wrong. Though your beloved may not see it this way, you’re taking responsibility for your real experience.
Follow these guidelines to assert yourself and you’ll find that you will get more of what you want with class and dignity. Now, you’re ready to move onto how to use these skills when setting boundaries and upholding your personal integrity.
Relationships- Communication
Compromise and Boundary Setting
By: Jessica Plancich, MFT
It is a basic human desire to be accepted and loved. We are social beings and as primates, we thrive in packs and communities. The difficulty in this is that by looking to the outside for this acceptance, we will be forever disappointed, as you have no jurisdiction over other people’s behavior. You do, however, have the capacity to accept yourself and to value who and what you are, regardless of externalities. Underpinnings of self esteem and confidence play major roles here, but the solution to this begins once again (you know the drill by now)…within you. I like to draw the analogy of wedding planning. Those of you who’ve been through this know that there’s no earthly way to please every person who is invested in your life when it comes to celebrating your nuptials. Those who attempt to do so find themselves crazed and droned out on anti-anxiety medication and sleep aids just to deal with it all. Meanwhile, the “happy” couple find themselves further and further from their ideal and lost in the sea of everyone else’s idea about how you should inaugurate your union. The same goes for those who go about their lives attempting to bend and contort themselves to meet the ever changing desires of others. Crazy making I say.
Chances are, if this is a pattern you see in your romance, it is likely showing up in other relationships of yours as well. It’s a vicious and seductive cycle because you’ve likely received positive feedback and praise (in the form of more money, sex or verbal acknowledgement) when you do what others want and ask of you and negative feedback (in the form of rejection, hostile behavior or judgment) in an effort to punish you when you don’t go along with their reindeer games. Admit it; you’ve done the same to others in your life when you’re trying to “train” them to do what you want. At times, I will even suggested that you use a similar strategy to positively reinforce the things that you want your partner to do more of (and no, I haven’t suggested that you reject or punish each other in an effort to manipulate behavior).
The next thought I hear you saying is, “That’s great and fine, like and love myself, blah, blah, blah…so what do I do about the every day demands that my partner/ family place upon me?” The praise feels good and punishment feels bad. What to do? As long as you’re on this loop, you’ll drive yourself nuts. Instead, I want you to check in with what is your first choice about a given situation. Before you say yes to a request of you just because your partner asked or because it’s your usual reflex to wanting to please, do a brief check in.
Ask yourself a few more questions:
I want to encourage you to use some of the assertiveness skills I’ve written about to help you verbalize your preference in a respectful and direct way. Though you may think that the only option your partner will find agreeable is the one that agrees with their stance, if you’re doing so with resentment, you’re not putting your all into it. If you had to be honest with yourself, you know that in those moments that you’ve compromised for the sake of someone else, you wind up disappointed with yourself. Though you may initially want to blame him/her for “putting” such demands on you, they’re only asking…it’s entirely up to you to decide how you want to handle it. Regardless of guilt, manipulation and judgment, your choices need to be sound for you. If it’s not good for everyone involved, it’s time to look into other options until a mutually beneficial one is found.
Another, perhaps more important side of this is that by taking these steps to speak your truth (with love), you’re honoring your true nature. Though your beloved may not like what this brings up, they’ll ultimately respect you for being honest with yourself. When you dim your light and hide your real self, you compromise your soul and there’s no excuse for that.
Honor yourself. Speak your truth. Handle differences with love.