Positive Parenting

Please see the articles below on how to positively parent with assertive compassion.

5 Warning Signs of a Troubled Teen—And What Parents Can Do About it
Glam.com article, November 2008
By: Jessica Plancich, MFT

Depression or hormone changes?  Drugs or mood swings?  Disinterest in academics or learning disorder?  These questions are very real for many parents --  and rightly so.

Many experts preach an alarmist approach -- warning you your teen migh be headed down the wrong path. But instead of feeding unfounded fear and anxiety, you can arm yourself with knowledge that will help you understand where they are coming from and allowing you to pay attention in ways that will help signal when something might truly be wrong.

Keep Things in Context
By and large, it’s important to consider the context of your teen's life, and more specifically, what's  ‘usual’ for them.  Be alert to rapid shifts and changes that may appear out of character for them.  And though it’s not all that abnormal for a teenage girl to be sweet and loving one minute and totally irate (and seemingly possessed by alien beings the next), consider how often and to what intensity these patterns arise.

But given that, here are 5 key areas to keep an eye on -- as they can be indicative of a more pervasive and serious issue that warrants attention and intervention.

1. Sudden Change in Motivation
Did your teen go from being very involved, active and engaged to apathetic and indifferent?  This is not altogether uncommon for this age group, for their sense of what’s important, valuable and interesting is in constant flux during these years.  What’s more important to note is their level of helplessness or hopelessness about multiple areas of their lives.  Though all-or-nothing thinking and an “everything sucks” attitude is oddly “normal” for teens, be aware of pervasive and long standing apathy and disinterest.  This is a hard one to tease out because this could be caused by everything from hormone fluctuations and growth spurts to substance use and withdrawal to boredom.
 
What you can do about it:  Talk about it.  Be willing to get them involved in something that they’re passionate about.  This may mean allowing them to explore activities and interests that don’t interest you, but it’s important to meet them where they’re at.  Take interest in their interests without judgment or criticism.  Unless it’s something that is self destructive, be willing to support their passions, it will keep them out of trouble in the long run.

2. Sudden Changes in Weight and Appetite
Did she go from having a healthy appetite to barely picking at her food and refusing to eat?  Major changes in the relationship to food and eating patterns are closely linked to cycling emotional states.  Whether your teen reaches for the pantry when overwhelmed or gets an upset stomach and loses an appetite altogether, this is a stress response in action.  The stomach holds those “gut feelings” and personal power.  Until they learn what these cues mean and how better to read and understand their bodies, overeating or under eating (or eating high carbohydrate or fatty foods to boost mood) can occur.  Insecure sense of body image can also be a culprit.  With the barrage of media messages about what’s desirous and sexy, it’s no wonder teens associate those images with greater levels of worth and value.  

What you can do about it:  Emphasize health and wellness over image and looks.  Encourage them to express their feelings when they’re struggling instead of stuffing them down with Ben and Jerry’s.  Be aware of your own attitude about these issues and the messages you’re delivering.

3. Sudden or Rapid Changes in Social Groups
Again, it’s not all that uncommon for fickle cliques to oust one of its most endeared members.  Caddy and dramatic, erratic and capricious…teens endure many social challenges.  Being accepted and fitting in are some of the biggest struggles they deal with, especially if they don’t really feel like they fit in anywhere.  Mix in a strong dose of hormones and you get romantic trysts and heartbreak to boot.  There’s also the dreaded ‘bad seed’; the friend or friends that strongly influence and encourage destructive behavior.

What you can do about it:  Listen and be open to talking about it, but don’t pry and pester. Encourage them to have balance between their love interests and the rest of life.  Be willing to give some constructive feedback about choosing loyal people and what integrity is all about, but beware of passing judgment on their friends.  Unless you have strong safety concerns, understand that forbidding them to be with certain kids just is a set up for a power struggle.  Get to know their friends…and their parents.

4. Sudden Academic Decline
Going from A’s and B’s to D’s and F’s suddenly should raise a few eyebrows.  This is a pretty common phenomenon when teens transition from middle school to high school and also when they change to a new school.  It can be summarized into two categories: School is not that important to them or there’s a learning challenge present.  Whether it’s that friends (or the opposite sex) become most important (or are the biggest struggle) or that they don’t see how they could ever benefit from studying the periodic table, academics often take a back seat to all the other distractions in the life of a teenager.  On the other hand, they could be struggling with a learning deficiency (from auditory processing troubles to short term memory problems) and simply resist school or homework because it’s so overwhelming and trying.

What you can do about it:  Develop a schedule and stick to it.  Arrange for them to do a minimum of 90 minutes of school work each day, regardless of whether they have homework or not, as they can use this time to get ahead or read.  This way, there’s no way they can wiggle out of this focus on school by claiming to be homework-less (a rarity).  Get to know their teachers and develop a way to stay aware of their performance.  Be willing to seek testing to rule out learning problems if despite extra attention and focus, they’re still struggling.  

5. Rapid Mood Swings
I can hear some of you now, “All my teenager does is have mood swings!”  Yes, this is one of the joys of parenting a teen.  Remember that their bodies and brains are one giant chemistry experiment right now.  Nothing is calm inside and because they have limited adaptive coping and communication skills to handle this, the result are tidal waves of emotion.  Just like a wave, however, it never stays at its peak and the crest always falls back to the shore.  This is another difficult one to tease out, because as “normal” as these fluctuations are for this age group, it can also be indicative of drug use or depression.  

What you can do about it:  Remain calm.  Don’t put fuel on the fire by engaging in it or reacting.  Instead, give them the space to talk it out while you remain neutral.  Make sure they’re eating balanced meals at regular intervals; low blood sugar and poor diet can be a major culprit here.  Keep your ears open.  Listen for words of desperation, hopelessness and deep sadness. Don’t be afraid to ask them about whether they’ve had thoughts of death. Keep your eyes open.  Be aware to covert or sneaky behavior where there may be something they’re hiding.  Be willing to ask for support from a counselor or therapist if you feel overwhelmed and sense more help is needed.  Don’t ignore those “gut” feelings of yours that something is awry and reach out for guidance.

Keep in mind that the way you as parents handle these circumstances makes all the difference.  I am a fan of being educated, informed and aware of what is happening in the world and in the world of your youth. 

The perspective that you hold about the potential pitfalls and dangers creates the foundation for your kids.  Teens are very adept at noticing nuances of mood and are always looking for to you as an example. 

With that said I encourage you to remain steady, direct, informed and loving always.  If you can get through your teens’ years, you can do anything.